On Selling your Soul to the Devil

Ever since the soul has had market value, which is to say ever since we first decided we were special as a species, which is to say forever, people have been selling them. This goes way past the old Delta Blues meet-the-devil-at-the-crossroads-for-mean-guitar-pickin’ business:

“You traded your immortal soul for that?”
“Well, I wasn’t usin’ it.”

 It goes past Don Giovanni or even the original Faust.  Even in these highly secular times, the tradition of soul-peddling has not yet died out, but it has undergone one vital change in response to the modern economy, and that is to shift from being a small, private exchange to a large-scale business venture owned by, you guessed it, huge multinational corporations. And while the big suppliers can offer you several benefits, like imitation souls (very realistic- fools almost 80% of priests!), buy-backs at very low interest (Add just six years in Hell from every month until you’re paid back), Atheism insurance (Feel secure in your avowed disbelief. Collect up to $1 000 000 if it turns out there really is a God) and Holy-waterproof sealant (Call now and we’ll throw in your very own Voodoo Witch Doctor!), they aren’t always what they claim to be. You don’t know how many operatic heroes have made the mistake of not reading the fine print and gotten saddled with a contract they never should have agreed to.

 If you’re going into buying or selling souls as a career or as part of an investment plan, make sure you  have a trusted legal advisor on hand, preferably one with experience in the field. Lucifer’s rates are steep, but he offers free consultations and can usually handle multiple clients at a time, thanks to having three faces.

Sorry to rush lunch, fellas, but I'm meeting with a client in ten. BBM me!

If you’re looking in a lower price bracket, try the Serpent from the Garden of Eden. Not only are her rates very reasonable, but every customer gets a complimentary fruit basket. According to the Rabbinical tradition she also represents sexual desire, so don’t worry about accidentally showing up to your consultation stark naked – just be warned, the fees for her other services are quite a bit steeper than her legal fees. Careful of the fangs.

Finally, if money is really an issue, call Be’elzebub – his usual fee is one pig’s head on a stick per hour, but he accepts any type of rotting flesh you have handy, and the alarming buzzing tones of his voice are sure to intimidate your opponents.

Advisory: Under NO circumstances should you contact Be’elzebub if you are a wise and prophetic epileptic boy. You will die.